"If I Were President"
George Magazine    Dec  '97

NAME YOUR PARTY

Individualist.

RUNNING MATE?

I wouldn't have one.

CAMPAIGN SONG?

"If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out," by Cat Stevens, from Harold and Maude.

HOW WOULD YOU RAISE CAMPAIGN MONEY?

Pimp the Spice Girls.

YOUR CLOSEST ADVISERS?

George Carlin and Dionne Warwick.

FILL IN THE BLANK: "NEWT GINGRICH IS TO BILL CLINTON AS ________ IS TO FIONA APPLE."

I am a victim of the American public school system, and though I was hungry to learn about such controversial characters, each school I attended rendered me lost, anonymous, and discouraged, so I was forced to become a traveling musician.

WHY SHOULD WE ELECT YOU?

I make a mean evasive segue, and I have a knack for bullshit. (See my previous answer.)

WHY SHOULDN'T WE ELECT YOU?

I'm selfish, impulsive, easily distracted, and almost completely ignorant about politics.

WHAT WOULD YOU WEAR TO THE INAUGURAL BALL?

A shield.

YOUR ROLE MODEL?

No one.

NAME A REASON TO GO TO WAR.

To shame mother earth, devastate civilization, and make ourselves extinct.

YOUR FIRST ACT IN OFFICE?

Replace the animals in product- and medicine-testing labs with second-offense child molesters.

WHAT WOULD YOU FIGHT TO CHANGE?

The need to have a president.

THE GREATEST PROBLEM FACING THE U.S.?

Stupid people.

YOUR ADMINISTRATION'S SCANDAL?

Sexually harassing myself when I'm alone in the Oval Office.

WHAT THREE OBJECTS MUST YOU HAVE IN THE OVAL OFFICE?

A sewing kit, a box radio, and MacGyver.

WHICH OF YOUR ACTIVITIES WOULD MOST CHALLENGE THE SECRET SERVICE?

I inhale.

HOW WOULD YOU UNWIND FROM JOB PRESSURE?

I'd inhale.

WHAT DO AMERICA'S TEENAGERS NEED MOST, AND HOW WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO THEM?

We'd inhale.

WHAT WOULD YOU WANT HISTORIANS TO SAY ABOUT YOUR PRESIDENCY?

She was trusted.  She let the people tell her how to do her job the best she could do for all of them.  She had a heart of gold and balls of steel.  fin